By Emma Sheppard
The first man I loved would prop the fridge open
with his foot and chug two litres of water from
an old green soda bottle that we’d torn the label off of.
He’d tell me he’d earned it, his two litres of water and
his foot propping open the door, because when he crossed
borders, they had no water. And his feet bled.
And he kept walking. Because he needed something more.
I crossed a border to love him, but
I did it on an airplane and we never talked about
what that meant for the distances between us
and we didn’t have the language, so we never tried.
I crossed a border to love him, and he always said
I walked like I was afraid of tripping over something,
and maybe my feet knew something I didn’t, but
I kept crossing borders to love him and eventually I crossed too far.
And he stood there, with a smirk and his foot
holding open the door, telling me he’d
earned it. And I didn’t have the language.
He’d crossed borders, and was forced to cross back,
because when you walk through the desert and your
feet bleed and you want something more, you’ll
never be as safe as you need to be.
So they put cuffs on him that I never saw, and he
sat in a cell, or at least I think it was a cell, for 41
days and I sat in a college classroom, and we never
talked about what that meant for the distances between us.
And he called me collect from the hallway
outside of his cell, and I gripped my flip phone in the hallway
outside of my college classroom, and we
didn’t have the language.
And he crossed borders back to his
mother, and I crossed borders because I didn’t have a
mother, and we never
talked about that either.
And I crossed borders, and he dragged me
across borders, and we lived there with the
distances between us. Until I found the language.
EMMA SHEPPARD (she/her) is an English professor, teacher educator, and writer living in Toronto, ON. She writes on issues of identity, community, grief, family, and more. Her work can be found forthcoming in Soliloquies Anthology, Trace Fossils Review, and The Bookends Review, as well as at substack.com/@emmacshep and on Instagram @emma.out.loud.
This poem originally appeared in Stonecoast Review Issue 22.
Photo by Антон Дмитриев