By Erin Jourdan
Quantum couponing is how I get it done. I was able to retire at twenty-three because my future selves are so proficient at finding deals. I also have my children’s future selves working summer jobs quantum couponing so that they can pay for their own college.
Everyone asks me, how do you do it? How do you consciously encompass multitudes while also raising children and their multitudes? You need to have your future selves working for you, almost like employees. They get the benefits of your knowledge of how to manipulate things on a quantum level from the past, and you benefit from their work identifying ways to corner the market on things that are currently considered low value but will skyrocket in price, like toilet paper and tennis shoes.
How do I find the time to plan my life in multiple timelines? I admit it, I am very blessed to have the privilege of a nanny for my three children, a housekeeper, various maintenance workers, and a full-time assistant. I could not do this on my own and still look the way I do. But what everyone really wants to know is, what is my secret? I have a patented system that allows me to harness the power of physics. In my first book, The Art of Quantum Couponing, I teach everyday people how to gain intergenerational wealth using the financial differentials of space/time.
The book details how I went from international logistics to this lifestyle. But it takes sacrifice. I did not take maternity leave; instead, I bought flowers every day as a reminder of the bountiful nature of the world. When exhausted, I’d take in a whiff of gardenias, and it would settle my soul. I didn’t create an e‑mail vacation responder, and my workflow continued unabated. I know I will get a lot of flack about hustle culture, but I disagree. This is simply who I am, and I love the connected feeling I get from talking with my future and past selves up to sixty times a day.
Massive success has allure, but it’s complicated. Co-parenting with Colton has been a blessing as he does not participate in our quantum lifestyle. He loves to say that he is a simple “cause and effect guy,” and I love him for it. My M‑Sunday schedule is to let him handle the present-day kids while I administer to the future kids’ lives and needs. It is a fair way of splitting up the physical work and emotional labor.
People always want to know how I keep my future selves in line, and what it is like to be the present self of a past or future self? I hate to spill my secrets, but we are all present selves to our past and future selves—only some of us have awareness and training in how to use it to our advantage. Our selves are intrinsically linked—just like a flower, there was once just a seed and inside that seed is all the information needed to become the flower.
If you are a complicated person, you may choose consciously or unconsciously to emotionally self-sabotage. That is how I ended up with acid reflux disease. I spent years in therapy trying to learn how to become more aligned with my future and past selves and quell the insane heartburn. I didn’t even know you could feel your own esophagus, but mine felt like I’d been eating steel wool. The “good time gang,” as I like to call some of my past selves, were eating fried foods, drinking six packs of beer, and chain smoking. They expected me not to notice.
With the advent of quantum lifestyles, there is an inherent tension between past and future selves as our desires and needs change over time. I’d like to be able to say that I have had a 100% time-stable persona. In truth, I have had to struggle.
It helps to keep in mind when you are quantum couponing that the person you are now is the one with the control of the cash and the storyline. Don’t be a thief of your own joy by comparing your past and future selves—stay in the now and try to enjoy the bounty of all of your hard work.
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ERIN JOURDAN is a Los Angeles-based writer and teacher. She is the recipient of a Vermont Studio Center Residency, a Djerassi Resident Artist Fellowship, a Jentel Foundation Artist Residency, and attended Bread Loaf in 2023. Her piece, THE PATH OF THE SPINE was in Stonecoast Review Issue 17. Her writing centers on themes of eco-anxiety, hubris, money, and power. She believes in using humor as a path to liberation. For more about her work visit: https://linktr.ee/erinjb
This story originally appeared in Stonecoast Review Issue 21.
Photo by Cristian Palmer